So I have decided this is a good mantra to live by when I feel stuck or angry or derailed.
Sometimes I find myself feeling down and a little deflated. Especially with all my friends who are getting pregnant. I have 3 that I know of that are all due in August.
I'm very happy for all of them of course. But at the same time its a little sad for me.
Overall, I've come to grips with my miscarriage. Every now and then though, feelings come unchecked at different times. Brand new babies, I can't hold. That new baby smell makes my heart ache. Walking through the baby aisles in a store makes me want to cry. Even sometimes just being out and about and hearing that cry that babies make gets me going.
I can't wait until we have another opprotunity to have the excitement of a new member to our family. I feel like I've learned sooo much the last couple of months. There are silver linings to every cloud; sometimes, though, you have to mine for it.
I recently got a 2nd copy of my P blessing this month. And it was amazing that on a day I was feeling really low, it came in the mail. I love reading it. Every stage of my life where I read it, I learn something new. What kind of baffles me is that there are 4 lines total pertaining to who I marry and if I'll have kids. Don't get me wrong, its a whole page front and back but out of all of it, only 4 Lines talk about what I thought was a fairly important stage of my life.
Going on though, there are 4 different PARAGRAPHS that talk about Friends. The friends I should make, the friends I should stay away from, the judgement I should use when making friends. And then 2 other paragraphs talk about Education. It always enhances where I need to "Stop, Take Stock and Re-evaluate" in my life.
By the Friends I have in my life, I believe I've done fairly well in making friends. I dont typically make friends with people I dont trust or who I dont think will be there for me the same way I would be there for them. I have very close friends from different stages of life.
Krista Robertson - Kindergarten / Elementry - 21 years
Val Shideler - Jr high / High school - 11 years
Nicole Walton - Jr high / high school - 11 years
Christina Nelson - Jr high / HIgh school - 12 years (even though she didnt like me till about year 3 lol)
Lacy Henry - YSA - 7 years
Alyssa Wright - YSA - Newly Wed - 7 years
Victoria Caroline - Newly wed / Futureshop - 5 years
Amy Burke - Newly Wed - Kids - 5 years
Some of the best people I could ever ask for in my life!
Of course I'm always making new friends and aquaintances. In the ward I'm in now I've made many friends who I know I can ask for help, and can lean on when times are tough. And I hope they feel the same in return.
Now when it comes to Education, which I know means more than just in class schooling, I feel I've fallen short. I dont know where or when I will make up for this short coming but its part of my "stop, take stock and re-evaluate" situation I'm at right now. I am of course, always learning, about myself, about my husband and child, and about life in general. There is still SO much I dont know yet that I need to start broadening my mind. Both Spiritually and temporally.
Well I think thats enough of a rant for today. I'm getting sleepy.
Good night!
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Dealing With My loss and how it all happened. (caution: very descriptive)
So on November 27th, I Miscarried my 11 week pregnancy. It was all a really strange sting of events that led up to it.
On Friday, the 26th. I woke up and had some bleeding so we went to the ER at the Rockyview. I was fully prepared for a miscarriage. I wasnt bleeding alot, they gage it by how much you lose in an hour, and for me it wasnt alot. So I sat for almost 4 hours until I saw the Dr.
He did an examination and said I had a tear on my cervix, and that it was irritated. He said it didnt appear I was miscarrying as the cervix was still closed. He ordered I go for an ultrasound to check everything out for which I had to wait another hour and a bit for not to mention drink a ton of fluid. Richard went to get something to eat so it was me and Riley when about 2 min after he left the porter came to take me for the Ultrasound. So imagine me, in some pain still and uncertain of what the heck was going on and I have to take my 3 yr old, who has been at the ER for about 6 hours by this poitn, with me.
He was really good in the ultrasound and the tech showed him the baby. So heartbeat was there and then I went back to the results waiting room to wait for the Dr to tell me how the Ultrasound looked. He popped in, said everything was ok and we could go some. THAT WAS IT!!!
So we came home and I just kind of took it easy because I was still uncertain what the heck was going on. Saturday, I try to relax but we know thats not easy with a 3 year old. My mom called and asked if I needed her to come up and help for a bit so i could take it easy. I talked ot richard about it and he said Yes. So my mom got up around 4 pm.
Meanwhile I kept having abdominal pains. I figured I was have problems going to the bath room, which is seemed I was. I tried a couple warm bath's to easy the pain. Around 10 pm, my water broke. It was the weirdest feeling since i never had that with riley as I had an epidural and they broke my water for me. I kind of freaked out, but then calmed down and called 911 because a) I really wasnt sure what was going on, b) i seemed to be bleeding alot, and c) my mom had to stay with riley who was sleeping and richard wasnt home from work yet.
So they came, asked me questions loaded me up and took me to the lougheed. By the time i got to the hospital, they had tried in both arms to get an IV in which on a good day isnt easy let alone when my body is experiancing trauma. also my clothing was soaked from the waiste down. They had me go into the bathroom to clean up and I freaked out because I thought I lost my baby in the toilet. It turned out to be just clots but i've never seen anything like that before. Even the female EMS mentioned that there was a lot of blood. (are they supposed to say things like that???)
So a nurse came in, got me things I needed to get cleaned up and presentable and then I waited for a room to get cleaned. While I waited I called my husband, to see where he was, my mom, to see how my son was and to let her know what was going on and my dad, to tell him as well.
The Dr. came in and did an ultrasound and there was no heart beat. He tried to tell me that just because he couldnt find one didnt mean anything, but I knew what it meant.
He did an exam that just getting into the position for it led up to me losing a few cups of blood on the floor. I was so embarressed. He confrimed that yes I had lost the baby. He sent for the OBGYN.
The nurse came in and told me they had retrieved my baby and asked if I wanted to see it. I said no at first because I was scared that the image of my baby would haunt me. But as i thought about it, i couldnt believe i didnt want to see my baby at least once so I asked the nurse if i could.
They brought it in, in a box with a small teddy bear that was slightly bigger than it was, a hand knit blanket, a little sleeping bag type blanket and a little knit hat. I could believe how small it was, barely 4 inchs.
After this we waited, on one of the times they asked me to change, i sat up and felt really dizzy all of a sudden. My head swam, my right ear went deaf and i just kind of flopped back. They couldnt get a readying electronically for my blood pressure so they had both arms in cuffs and were continually checking, i think the lowest they got it was 70/34 or something like that. so they laid me alost upside down, got an IV in me and i just laid there with constant monitoring for about an hour. My husband said he's never seen me so white and that my topics of conversation were kind of weird.
So after all of that the OBGYN comes in, and she was fantastic, She took time to talk to me, she looked at my baby, she told me about when she lost one. She examined me and ordered an ultrasound.
So we had a wait till morning, This all happened around 1 am. So we talked a bit, I cried some. Did alot of sodoku and around 3 we turned the lights off to try and sleep. My poor husband made a make shift bed on the floor till one nurse came in to check on me and got him a reclining chair. He slept ok, I slept on and off.
Around 7 the new nurses on shift came in and wanted to give me an IV for the ultrasound. They tried to use the same one that the previous on i had was used but while it was doing its thing, we discovered the vein, the only vein they were able to get, small as it was, had collapsed. That is very very painful, I dont recommend that anyone go through that.
My mom and riley came around 9:30 and we visited for a while. Then richard went home with them. I went for the ultrasound. turned down an internal one because at that point I was tired of being poked and prodded. Went back to my room. and was told by one of my two nurses for the day shift who was pregnant, that I would have to wait for the obgyn because they were delivering a baby. So I just kind of laid back down and dozed.
Around 12 pm they moved me to a room with a bunch of chairs for people so they could use my room for someone who needed it more. Thankfully the obgyn showed up around the time my dad and step-mom did. They told me I didnt need a D&C and that I could go home. So Marilyn and I talked until about 1/2 an hour later I finally got discharged.
You would think that this would have been the end of my bad series of events but it wasnt. I saw one of the OBGYN's at my clinic and we talked and she told me to call and find out wat had happened with my baby after the testing they sent it for. So I called the hospital and the one office wouldnt tell me anything, would only talk to my dr, so then they sent me over to the ER social worker, which, I found out, its protocal that I should have seen her while I was in the ER.
So I talked to her for a while, explained my problem and she kind of freaked out too, called the one department, called the childrens hospital, and called me back saying no one knew where my baby was. I was pretty mad by this point. Luckily the person at the childrens hospital called their social worker later and she called me to tell me she had my baby and asked what I would like to do. I felt so much better after all of that was taken care of.
Over the last week and a half, I've had wonderful friends and family who have helped out. My mom stayed for a week and completely ran my house and got rid of all of my laundry. Friends brought food and treats. Some merely listened when I needed an ear to talk to. I want to thank everyone for their support no matter what form it came in. Now its up to me and the Lord and Richard to get back to where I was and to become whole again.
On Friday, the 26th. I woke up and had some bleeding so we went to the ER at the Rockyview. I was fully prepared for a miscarriage. I wasnt bleeding alot, they gage it by how much you lose in an hour, and for me it wasnt alot. So I sat for almost 4 hours until I saw the Dr.
He did an examination and said I had a tear on my cervix, and that it was irritated. He said it didnt appear I was miscarrying as the cervix was still closed. He ordered I go for an ultrasound to check everything out for which I had to wait another hour and a bit for not to mention drink a ton of fluid. Richard went to get something to eat so it was me and Riley when about 2 min after he left the porter came to take me for the Ultrasound. So imagine me, in some pain still and uncertain of what the heck was going on and I have to take my 3 yr old, who has been at the ER for about 6 hours by this poitn, with me.
He was really good in the ultrasound and the tech showed him the baby. So heartbeat was there and then I went back to the results waiting room to wait for the Dr to tell me how the Ultrasound looked. He popped in, said everything was ok and we could go some. THAT WAS IT!!!
So we came home and I just kind of took it easy because I was still uncertain what the heck was going on. Saturday, I try to relax but we know thats not easy with a 3 year old. My mom called and asked if I needed her to come up and help for a bit so i could take it easy. I talked ot richard about it and he said Yes. So my mom got up around 4 pm.
Meanwhile I kept having abdominal pains. I figured I was have problems going to the bath room, which is seemed I was. I tried a couple warm bath's to easy the pain. Around 10 pm, my water broke. It was the weirdest feeling since i never had that with riley as I had an epidural and they broke my water for me. I kind of freaked out, but then calmed down and called 911 because a) I really wasnt sure what was going on, b) i seemed to be bleeding alot, and c) my mom had to stay with riley who was sleeping and richard wasnt home from work yet.
So they came, asked me questions loaded me up and took me to the lougheed. By the time i got to the hospital, they had tried in both arms to get an IV in which on a good day isnt easy let alone when my body is experiancing trauma. also my clothing was soaked from the waiste down. They had me go into the bathroom to clean up and I freaked out because I thought I lost my baby in the toilet. It turned out to be just clots but i've never seen anything like that before. Even the female EMS mentioned that there was a lot of blood. (are they supposed to say things like that???)
So a nurse came in, got me things I needed to get cleaned up and presentable and then I waited for a room to get cleaned. While I waited I called my husband, to see where he was, my mom, to see how my son was and to let her know what was going on and my dad, to tell him as well.
The Dr. came in and did an ultrasound and there was no heart beat. He tried to tell me that just because he couldnt find one didnt mean anything, but I knew what it meant.
He did an exam that just getting into the position for it led up to me losing a few cups of blood on the floor. I was so embarressed. He confrimed that yes I had lost the baby. He sent for the OBGYN.
The nurse came in and told me they had retrieved my baby and asked if I wanted to see it. I said no at first because I was scared that the image of my baby would haunt me. But as i thought about it, i couldnt believe i didnt want to see my baby at least once so I asked the nurse if i could.
They brought it in, in a box with a small teddy bear that was slightly bigger than it was, a hand knit blanket, a little sleeping bag type blanket and a little knit hat. I could believe how small it was, barely 4 inchs.
After this we waited, on one of the times they asked me to change, i sat up and felt really dizzy all of a sudden. My head swam, my right ear went deaf and i just kind of flopped back. They couldnt get a readying electronically for my blood pressure so they had both arms in cuffs and were continually checking, i think the lowest they got it was 70/34 or something like that. so they laid me alost upside down, got an IV in me and i just laid there with constant monitoring for about an hour. My husband said he's never seen me so white and that my topics of conversation were kind of weird.
So after all of that the OBGYN comes in, and she was fantastic, She took time to talk to me, she looked at my baby, she told me about when she lost one. She examined me and ordered an ultrasound.
So we had a wait till morning, This all happened around 1 am. So we talked a bit, I cried some. Did alot of sodoku and around 3 we turned the lights off to try and sleep. My poor husband made a make shift bed on the floor till one nurse came in to check on me and got him a reclining chair. He slept ok, I slept on and off.
Around 7 the new nurses on shift came in and wanted to give me an IV for the ultrasound. They tried to use the same one that the previous on i had was used but while it was doing its thing, we discovered the vein, the only vein they were able to get, small as it was, had collapsed. That is very very painful, I dont recommend that anyone go through that.
My mom and riley came around 9:30 and we visited for a while. Then richard went home with them. I went for the ultrasound. turned down an internal one because at that point I was tired of being poked and prodded. Went back to my room. and was told by one of my two nurses for the day shift who was pregnant, that I would have to wait for the obgyn because they were delivering a baby. So I just kind of laid back down and dozed.
Around 12 pm they moved me to a room with a bunch of chairs for people so they could use my room for someone who needed it more. Thankfully the obgyn showed up around the time my dad and step-mom did. They told me I didnt need a D&C and that I could go home. So Marilyn and I talked until about 1/2 an hour later I finally got discharged.
You would think that this would have been the end of my bad series of events but it wasnt. I saw one of the OBGYN's at my clinic and we talked and she told me to call and find out wat had happened with my baby after the testing they sent it for. So I called the hospital and the one office wouldnt tell me anything, would only talk to my dr, so then they sent me over to the ER social worker, which, I found out, its protocal that I should have seen her while I was in the ER.
So I talked to her for a while, explained my problem and she kind of freaked out too, called the one department, called the childrens hospital, and called me back saying no one knew where my baby was. I was pretty mad by this point. Luckily the person at the childrens hospital called their social worker later and she called me to tell me she had my baby and asked what I would like to do. I felt so much better after all of that was taken care of.
Over the last week and a half, I've had wonderful friends and family who have helped out. My mom stayed for a week and completely ran my house and got rid of all of my laundry. Friends brought food and treats. Some merely listened when I needed an ear to talk to. I want to thank everyone for their support no matter what form it came in. Now its up to me and the Lord and Richard to get back to where I was and to become whole again.
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