A Triangle Peg trying to fit into both a Square and Round Hole!

So I was laying in bed last night, Stewing about one of the many things I have to stew about.

I realize one of my problems is that with my parents divorce, I have two homes in which neither of them I seem to belong. Two families where I stand on the outside looking in.

My only full sister has made the decision to completely cut off our dads side of the family, so she lives blissfully in delusion that shes part of a family with our brother and stepfather. In one way I'm kind of envious that she can cut half of herself out of her life, but I know that I could never live as just half of myself. She doesn't even realize the damage she's done to our other siblings. And I wont even go into how angry I get when she calls our step-father dad!

Then there is my Dad's faamily, one in which I feel pretty comfortable but never completely apart of. I get invited to family dinners for special occasions, but can be left behind without a second thought on holidays and even be forgotten on my own birthday.

I don't have the family pictures with everyone. It hurts to go home for visits and see all the family pictures without me in them. We don't do family trips even though they are constantly talked about. I dont get visits just to say "hi" or phone calls just to see how we're doing. I seem to be the part just forgotten.

I always thought that when you get married, that new part was a new branch off of the old family tree. How does it work when there is two family trees and you're stuck in the middle?

Kinda confusing. I think it goes back to the scriture, Matt 6:24 - No man can serve to masters. I think thats what I've had to do my entire life. And I can totally understand why they can't. In my case its like I can't ever really be me. Not entirely. I always have to hold some part back and its so exhausting.

People always wondered why my friends were SO important to me growing up. Its because with them I always belonged. It wasnt a matter of who's weekend it was, or what i did like my mom or dad. I was just me. Plain and simple. Even with all my mistakes and downfalls, it was never "you're exactly like your father." or "you need to stop acting like your mother".

So that was my stew in the middle of the night last night!